Acing It
By: Rae
LGBTQIA are letters that mean a lot of things to a lot of people but often times the “A” is said to be Ally. When in reality it stands for a group of people that struggle not with who they are attracted to but the lack of sexual attraction that seems to power our society, religions and conflicts. Identifying asexuality in yourself and seeing it represented well enough for others to understand it, is a monumental challenge. As a Black Woman, this becomes even more daunting as hypersexuality is associated not only with my race but my gender, religion and so on.
“Don’t be fast” is a phrase often uttered by the aunties and grandmas once your body develops in ways that would invite unwanted attention. “Oooh, who was that little boy, you were talking too?” becomes a motif in your life in your 13th year instead of the mermaid tail and webbed fingers, you may have welcomed more. But all of this is to say that having the words to express asexuality can some times take more time than claiming that part of yourself that doesn’t feel normal when everyone expects you to become overwhelmed with the primal urge to mate once menstruation starts. You even start to claim a crush like your peers or go along with the “he’s so hot” propaganda with no real heat anywhere.
One of my favorite authors that really shows the evolution of asexuality and the distinction between sexual and romantic attraction is Clair Kann. Her books “Lets Talk about Love” and “The Romantic Agenda” are an amazing rendering of the ace experience as a black woman. In “Let’s Talk About Love”, the main character, Alice, pretends to be a “touch-not-lesbian” because she romantically loves her partner Margot and will perform sex acts to please Margot but is not interested in initiating. This lack of initiation makes her partner feel undesirable and when Alice tries to explain her sexuality, Margot throws in her face that she’s black and should see a doctor because not liking sex wasn’t natural. Margot, like many people in a relationship, correlates sex with a love quota. She feels like Alice will never love her as much as she loves Alice. This book basically tackles every Ace fear in the first few pages. Asexual does not mean that you don’t want a romantic partner or can’t experience love. If anything, you love your person for who they are, Alice describes it best “ Love is wanting to stay up late and talking everything and anything and not wanting to sleep because you would miss them too much”
Like many baby aces, Alice struggles to claim the identity and sort it out. The same could be said for “Raybearer” by Jordan Ifueko. Dayo, the prince, has a court of individuals that he has a deep mental and emotional connection to but he has no desire to sleep with any of them. Throughout the duology we learn that the others of the 12 do have sexual and romantic relationships but Dayo is not interested in sex in the same way and the entire group knows it. But throughout the books, Dayo loves his found family and has a unique relationship with all of them as they create a united front to govern over their kingdom. Dayo’s asexuality isn’t explicitly stated, but he is a Prince who everyone suspects has a sexual relationship with his friend Tarisai because of how close they are, when in reality they are each others platonic soulmates.I'll stop here to avoid spoilers but you're picking up what I'm putting down.
I think Dayo’s experience really highlights how asexuality isn’t really an option in anyone’s mind. Dayo ultimately becomes a shining example of wanting a family and to take care of people with no need of 525600 minutes with concubines to sow royal oats. He loves and provides for the group of people he has come to love as his family in a world that expects him to be a arrogant ruler with many wives and sexual conquests. I’ve seen few black asexual major characters in fantasy, and Dayo is one of the first; his relationship with his council is beautifully written. To a certain extent I think the FMC, Tarisai, is demisexual but that is a soapbox to stand on another day.
All in all Ace representation is not something I get to see often in many capacities, whether it’s contemporary fiction like Claire Kann or from fantasy writers like Jordan Ifueko. But every time I see a well written Ace character, it makes me feel seen and gives me better ways to communicate my own boundaries. As we all know, representation matters, not just for those that are searching for community, but those that are searching for themselves.
To be loved is to be seen.
"There are years that ask questions and years that answer."
— Zora Neale Hurston, Their Eyes Were Watching God
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